Since the author only admits to being an ALP member in impolite company and when appearing on our national broadcaster (“Yes, John Howard is just horrible, Phillip, sweetie”), it was with much courage and alcohol that she once again braved a local branch to find out what the party is like on the inside. What follows is the final of her two reports. Next week she infiltrates a Liberal function with a four-wheel drive, a Bronwyn Bishop make-over (“No, more foundation and pull the hair back tighter”) and a level of triumphalism the Prime Minister would find acceptable.
Present: Michael Michaelson-Michaels (President), Margaret Morton Michaelson-Michaels (Fundraising Director) and Steven Jones (Secretary)
Visitors: John “Number Cruncher” Stevenson (faction heavy and local florist), Administrative Committee Chair (“I’m not giving my name, mate“)
Apologies: Nope
Margaret: “Have you called everybody on the list?”
Michael: “No, I spent the past fortnight talking to my best girlfriend about what a spunk Anthony from Australian Idol is”.
Margaret: “You have a girlfriend?”
Michael: “You know I don’t, anymore.
“For two weeks, I’ve phoned people who were party members, but recently decided not to renew. I’ve had the pleasure of listening to all their fascinating reasons why: branch meetings are boring, the party doesn’t know what it stands for, the party does know what it stands for but doesn’t stand for the right things, Carmen Lawrence should be parliamentary leader, Carmen Lawrence is a loony left-winger and should be expelled, moan, groan, whine and what do they expect?
“I did get a couple of, if I can I have a job in your office I will vote for you but it’s a secret ballot so I can’t really tell you.
“If I didn’t need their vote, I wouldn’t talk to these people at all.
“Anyway, Steven’s here to take us to the polling booth.
“I wish Arthur hadn’t talked us into serving sausages. He’ll probably be the only one voting who doesn’t think souvlaki is standard fare: if only we could branch stack from closer to home”.
Steven: “How are you, Margaret?”
Margaret: “Worried about the preselection. How’s that woman you’re seeing?”
Steven: “To be honest, the other day she confessed her feelings for me and I had to let her down. I don’t know if I’ll be seeing her again”.
Margaret: “I don’t understand, you got on so well. I bet you rejected her because your dad said if you went out with a Liberal he would chop you up and make you the door prize at the next barbecue cum fundraiser cum chance for us to raffle those left-over scratchies: you know, the branch members love ’em”.
Michael: “Don’t worry about it, there’s no point in seeing some sheila who could ruin your career rather than help it. Julie from Banning Branch is a good sort and I think she might be a member of the Left and you know how unlucky they are with the opposite sex.
“Look there’s Mitchell, soon to be ex-Member for Nanabour. What the hell is he doing serving Falafels and Lasagne?”
John: “Don’t worry about it Michael, we’ve got administrative committee stitched up. We promised them we’d give the former Member for Kilroy a job when he gets out in three to five years time”.
Michael: “Is that all he got? Remind me to run a law and order campaign promising to lock up dodgy politicians and throw away the key. That should make me popular with the ordinary punter.
“Steven and Margaret can manage things down here. We better get down to party office for the real vote”.
Administrative Committee Chair: “G’day mate, how are you going?
“Mitchell isn’t turning up. We just have to wait for everybody to come back in. You know what it’s like in here when there are too many mobile phones going at the same time; tends to make that life-size poster of Hawke wilt from the lack of attention.
“Thanks for returning for the vote and for turning off your phones for the time it will take to decide who our next candidate for Nanabour will be.
(Two minutes and ten Greensleeves, two I Was Made for Loving You and one Waiting for the Great Leap Forward rings later)
Michael: “Mate, how the hell did we lose? You said we had it sewn up”.
John: “Mate, I tried my best but the numbers weren’t with you. Mate, I’ve got to go and have a chat to Mitchell about who he needs to give a job to and stuff like that. There’s a division in council you might like to have a go at. Think about it and give us a ring. You’ve got my mobile number, haven’t you…mate?”
Michael: “Bloody done over, mate!
“We’ll keep going with the branch and show members we don’t need the heavies to succeed”.
Steven: “Look mate, I’ve been offered a job with Mitchell so I don’t think I’ll have time for the branch anymore but if you want to give us a call and talk about your future that would be great. You’ve got my mobile number, haven’t you…mate?
Political career finished at 6.35pm, mate.
Darlene can be contacted at darlene@onlineopinion.com.au or go to http://darlenetaylor.blogspot.com