This piece is dedicated to the good and caring folk at the Australian Family Association, because that little girl on Play School with her two mummies should know she doesn’t have a real family.
Troubled station Channel 35 has finally won over men aged 17-99 with its new drama series, The Letter L. The show’s producer, director, writer and stand-in, Jock Little, claims that as the creator of Girl-on-Girl Volumes 1-5696 he has the knowledge to offer viewers an authentic look at the lives of eight ordinary lesbians who love working as nurses and part-time lingerie models and playing beach volleyball in their spare time.
Little hopes the introduction of Chuck Manning, recovering alcoholic and former star of several defunct soap operas, to the cast will see his program become just as popular with the wives, girlfriends and other female associates of “the discerning male population of television watchers”.
“Chuck’s a good looking guy who spends a lot of time at the gym and promoting his range of skin care products.
“Chicks dig that sort of stuff, and if there is one thing I know about,” Little says before pausing to drag on his mega size Cuban cigar, “it’s chicks”.
Apparently, it’s not just the “ladies” tuning in at home who are going to be seduced by the newly sober Manning, with Little revealing that during the episode in which he arrives in Los Eros, the fictional town where The Letter L is set, several characters will question their commitment to lesbianism, either without the involvement of men or with the participation of women.
“I want to sensitively portray the women’s confusion about their sexuality and the fact that Chuck’s the sort of bloke who could bring the world’s biggest bulldyke round”.
Hurt by criticism the show is “inaccurate male fantasy crap”; Little will also be bringing in “Butch” to assuage “humourless” women’s groups. “Butch” is a tough truckie with a heart of gold, whose love for Candy will go unrequited until, in a cross-promotion with Beauty is Skin Deep, she has a face-lift, collagen lip injections, botox, breast implants, fat removed from her thighs, a brow lift, a tummy tuck, her ears pinned back, a new hair-do and a free make-up consultation with a leading cosmetic company.
“Who would have thought that after all that work Rosie O’Donnell would still look so plain we would have to replace her with Pamela Lee for the after shots”, Little slurred. He failed to respond to accusations O’Donnell’s before scenes have been shot again with Anna Nicole Smith in the role of “Butch”.
Little would not give too much away about what else we can expect from this season until he was really drunk, at which point the press conference was informed that there’ll be a cat fight, a car explosion, an exorcism, a pregnancy, three marriages, four divorces, infidelity, the return of a child adopted out to an African village at birth, a beauty pageant, a massacre and the death of Misty who later returns to Los Eros suffering from amnesia and with a boob job she doesn’t remembering getting, but is very happy to have got.
Watch The Letter L on Wednesdays at 10.30pm on Channel 35 right after our last family program for the evening, World’s Most Clumsy Terrorists (note as scheduled edition was deemed offensive and insensitive to victims of Al-Qaeda, we have replaced it with hilarious old footage of the Beider-Meinhoff’s most klutzy member, “Gangly” Gertrude Steiner).
Don’t forget to read Darlene’s interview with Prof Flint here, because you know you love him too.